Sun, 8 Mar 2015, 08:53
Last night Ben told me not to write an email to prayer friends while I was so churned up and I wasn’t intending to, but I’m just writing to you three to whom I feel particularly close, so you can pray straight away, before I set off.
I am taking Rosie to the Orchard in Grantchester to have brunch with Lara (her idea). I have no idea whether I am doing the right thing. Poor Rosie only has 24 hours at home. She said she had a bit of a preference for going but didn’t mind at all if we didn’t. (Read: Lara needs to see me but maybe Mummy is uncomfortable about it so I will incline towards the most vulnerable person while making it all right for the other adults if that’s the wrong choice...)
I have just agreed to drive Lara back to Gatsby’s afterwards where, we have learnt last night (via Ben), she is indeed sharing a flat after all. I am sure this is against all the principles I have agreed with myself but the alternative was to have him hanging around going for a walk all the time we were together which feels even more creepy.
Everything is all wrong but the alternatives all seemed worse.
8 Mar 2015, 09:24
The most important thing for Bink is that you keep contact with her. The most important thing for Rosie is to know that she's adored by you and Shaun and then she will cope with many things.
The Gatsby situation is a nightmare. I'd hate it. It might not be the battle to fight right now.
Sun, 8 Mar 2015, 10:29
You are doing the right thing of course. It is better to have some contact with Lara than none. Have no agenda, see what transpires. Try – and I know this is difficult – to mind less about Gatsby. Do remember at the moment it is very difficult for Lara to have friends and she needs them. I will pray it goes as well as it can.
8 Mar 2015, 12:59
I feel very privileged to be alongside in the maze you're negotiating your way round. Firstly, and I should have said it before, thank you for a particularly powerful Thought on Friday morning. All the yearning in your voice expressed the passion of God's love for His prodigals quite extraordinarily. It is one of the redemptions of this whole agonising saga. And a VERY significant redemption at that: how few people know that God, that loving waiting Father, is watching the horizon for their return, or that He feels, even more than you do for your broken special girl, that His very own child is nevertheless the pinnacle of His creation and for whom it was worth His giving His all? People don't FEEL loved, or valued, and your voice may have conveyed it, and thereby made an eternal difference... Thank you, thank you for putting yourself into it.
Did Lara come home for the day on Friday? And I hope you had a normal and happy exeat day with Rosie yesterday? Poor little love, having to feel her way through all the rights and wrongs of such bewildering emotional possibilities, just as you explained below. Praying for you now.
I’m not sure it was a particularly good Exeat for Rosie, really. Having your mother burst into tears when she’s driving because there’s a road block and her new iPhone satnav (which your brother spent a fortune getting her for Christmas so she wouldn’t panic when she gets lost) doesn’t know about it and sends you both the wrong way and she doesn’t know what effect being late will have on your mad sister, and then hearing both mother and sister trying to be terribly polite with each other over brunch when the subject of Gatsby came up by mistake, then having your mother drive into a curb on the way home again because she’s shaking so much, isn’t exactly the recipe for a relaxing Exeat for an eleven year old who has to travel four hours to get home and only has one night before she has to turn round again!
But as usual she took it – or seemed to take it – in her stride and from time to time hid her nose in a book she wanted to finish. I expect that’s her way of blocking it out and I doubt if it will protect her for long.
When I’ve recovered I will see that there were good parts. As Shaun said, at least she wanted to see me. Or put up with seeing me in order to see Rosie. That might be it now, for months, though. We talked about church. She didn’t get cross at that.
And it didn’t rain. And… um. We didn’t crash. And nobody cried. Or got scolded by hot tea. Or got attacked on the way to the car. And Gatsby wasn’t in evidence when we arrived. See, there were lots of good bits!
PS No, Lara didn’t come home at all.