We apologise to our customers, but due to recent cuts it is not possible to provide:

Ennoblement.
Athletics.
A dozen of any one item.

We have substituted with one vicar sleeping in the hope that this will give satisfaction.

(If you don’t wish to accept our substitute please tell the driver and indicate on the form provided.)

Your understanding is much appreciated.

[Normal service will resume as soon as possible.]

(PS In the interests of research we did in fact make a visit to the Upper House and discover there is no such thing, anyway. Staid lot, in the Other Place. Unlike vicars-sleeping, which are still relatively plentiful, lords-a-leaping are now to all intents and purposes virtually extinct. We might just about have persuaded a few lords spiritual to prance about the lawn in their surplices…

(For example, here is one just before he leaps – though we fully appreciate it’s not quite the same thing:)