First day back at school.

Upper Sixth to be dressed and ready by 8.30, cameras kept on all through class. So no sweetheart, you can’t be in pyjamas all day like last time. Yes, really.

Breakfast at eight. We’ll wake you at a quarter to…

Where’s the cream cheese can anyone tell me where the cream cheese is haven’t we got any cream cheese you’re going to have to wake me every day my alarm just doesn’t work it’s ridiculous where IS the cream cheese in this fridge no please don’t I’ll have humous it’s fine Dad where have you put the bagels you bought me bagels didn’t you where are they is this toaster working can you make me a coffee obviously because I don’t know how to yes I do hate it but these are desperate measures do you realise I’ve had just half an hour’s sleep I agree tea isn’t quite as revolting but it’s not as effective either is it what do I do with that what’s a cafetière am I just supposed to pour it or what where’s the sugar what do you mean we don’t have sugar I need sugar if I’m going to drink coffee oh this is so revolting how to people ever drink this stuff I obviously need a sixth spoonful of sugar no I don’t want tea three mugs of tea did you say three why would I drink three mugs of something quite unpleasant instead of just one mug of something utterly revolting it’s too hot oh this is so so bad why would anyone drink this really seriously why on earth haven’t we got cream cheese yes I know you offered but I couldn’t wait five minutes for you to go to the shop no you couldn’t have done it by now look it’s been nearly five minutes already who’s that at the door our lodger did you say do we have a lodger I didn’t know that why on earth is he up at this ridiculous hour what do you mean going to work it’s the middle of the night come to that why are you two up you haven’t got any reason to be up do you mean normal people get up at this time on an ordinary day I mean are the streets full of people while it’s still dark that’s insane my school is so stupid I’ve got a meeting with my housemistress at the same time as my tutor and half my physics lessons clash with other lessons and I’ve got fourteen lessons today what do you mean hockey at two of course I can’t play hockey at two with no one to play it with no I don’t want to play hockey with you and Dad thanks a lot can’t think of anything worse in the summer I had cricket scheduled into my timetable and I was the only one learning cricket and they honestly expected me to play cricket ON MY OWN with no bat ball wickets or anyone else and I don’t even know how to play cricket do you realise we’ve got Chapel Choir on Friday how on earth are we supposed to do that you’re joking surely we don’t still have Scholar Cantorum I’m not turning up I’m just not turning up I’m not singing on Zoom I would die I know I’ll get one of those recordings of building work going on and tell Sir I’m really sorry but we’ve got renovations in the house so I’ll have to turn off my microphone I need snacks why haven’t we got any snacks how am I supposed to get through this nightmare without any snacks I’ll see you later why is it so cold in this house…

PS Below my study, coming up through the floorboards, more online school… No. No no no. STOP. Do you want me to explain this? Just listen. No, just stop and listen. Good. No, that is not a minor third. Listen. Can’t you hear that? THIS is a minor third. That’s a diminished… right. Well done.

PPS You will note an empty doo’cot. Avian flu.